Hobby Lobby CEO and Jesus enthusiast Steve Green has issued a call to arms to all you oppressed Christians out there: Stand up and fight for your rights! Sue the crap out of the Obama administration until President Obama stops spreading his anti-Jesus Musliminess all over the goddamn place!

Steve Green is sad—nay despondent!—that he has been forced to sue the government—this government that he loves sooooo much—in order to protect his freedoms from Obamaniacal tyranny. But he refuses to sit idly by while the government continues to make Christians sit at the back of the bus because that’s not what the founding fathers would have wanted, dagnabbit.

Religion is under attack, you see. By whom? Um… women, Big Gay™, immigrants, and—and—basically, it’s under attack by everyone who isn’t a white Christian dude. And it’s terrifying.

Green yearns for the halcyon days of yore—when a man married a woman, kids prayed in school, arts and crafts were built with Jesus’s love, and you would never open up the door to your popsicle stick fort to find abortion-inducing slut pills hiding within. It’s Adam and Eve, dammit! Not Adam, Eve, and Yasmin!

But the Kenyan Usurper in the White House doesn’t care. He’s been relentlessly shoving Obamacare down everyone’s hapless throats like so many birth control pills. And now there’s a War on Christmas and people are allowed to burn American flags.

Basically, Rome is burning and we’re all sitting around fiddling with our Hello Kitty birth control pill cases. When will the madness end?

The simple fact is this: President Obama won’t let Christians be great, and Steve Green isn’t going to take it lying down. He sued the Obama administration in order to weasel out of the requirement that he treat the women who work for his company like people with fully functioning brains who can decide for themselves whether or not to take birth control. And he won!

Steve Green is basically the Rosa Parks of birth control haters, you guys.

And he wants you to get on the bus.

Recently, on Star Spangled Sunday—because apparently Star Spangled Sunday is a thing that exists—Steve Green had a message for all you dirty birth control lovers:

The bottom line is we believe that life begins at conception, and for us to be a part of taking that life violates what our deeply held beliefs are, and so we just said we didn’t want to freely provide those [or to] pay for them for employees.

Hold up right there, Mr. Green. First of all, you can believe that life begins at conception until your testicles shrivel up and begin dancing around like California raisins, but that doesn’t matter. Whether or not life begins at conception is entirely not the point, as Rewire’s fearless leader Jodi Jacobson pointed out in her article appropriately entitled “Life Begins at Conception: That’s Not the Point.”

Second of all, contraceptives have nothing to do with “taking life.” They are not abortion-inducing drugs. No matter how many times you say it, it’s not going to be any more true. As I recently wrote:

In the religious and political fervor surrounding the Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Specialties cases … three simple statements of fact about women’s health and reproduction seem to have gotten lost: Contraceptives prevent pregnancy, abortifacients terminate a pregnancy, and a pregnancy begins at implantation. So contraceptives by definition are not abortifacients because they prevent a pregnancy; if they work, there is no pregnancy to be terminated.

It’s science. Look it up.

And finally, no one is forcing you to “freely provide” birth control to your employees. It’s not like President Obama has been trying to force you to sell birth control yogurt in your company break room vending machines. All he wants you to do is to offer the full range of health-care services in the health insurance plans that you offer your employees.

That’s it!

But nooooooo! You had to go and make a big stink about it:

[F]or the government to tell us that we had to provide those [contraceptives] to our employees for free was a problem for us and why we decided we had to file suit.

Dude, stop it. Seriously. No one—not a single person—was telling you that you had to provide birth control pills to your employees for free. I’m going to need you to figure out how health insurance works for crying out loud.

*dramatic sigh*

Green went on to babble about how very sad it is that he had to sue the government he loves so dearly, and how every red-blooded American needs to stand up and fight for the freedoms our founders fought for and also—zzzzzzzzzz.

Here’s the video of Green’s comments, with some ramblings by the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins as an amuse-bouche. I don’t advise watching it. But I’m not the boss of you. Unlike Steve Green and Hobby Lobby, I think you should do what you want. Take birth control; don’t take birth control. Watch the video; don’t watch the video. What do I care? You’re a grown-ass person. Make your own decisions.

You’re welcome.

[via Raw Story]