Remember Todd Akin, of the “Legitimate Rape” Akins? He’s the guy who tried to unseat Sen. Claire McCaskill in 2012 but lost after he opened his mouth and let a whole lot of stupid about rape fall out.

Here’s what he said, for those of you who were trapped under something heavy during the 2012 election cycle:

It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare [pregnancy from rape]. If it’s a legitimate rape, uh, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. You know, I think that there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.

You remember that, don’t you? Remember how we laughed and laughed because who—no seriously, who—says things that stupid? And then remember how we cried and cried when we realized that the answer, apparently, is scads and scads of Republicans?

You don’t remember?!

Well, let’s take a walk down memory lane to refresh things:

Long before Todd Akin let words slip from his face-hole, there was Rick “Frothy” Santorum, who said, “The right approach is to accept this horribly created, in the sense of rape, but nevertheless … the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you … [W]e have to make the best out of a bad situation.” Of course we do. When life gives you rape, make rape lemonade. It’s so simple.

Then there was Ron “Pepaw” Paul talking about “honest rape” when he said, “If it’s an honest rape, that individual should go immediately to the emergency room.”

Ah yes—an honest rape. I yearn for the days when rape was honorable and forthright. Used to be that rape had integrity. It didn’t beat around the bush or try to hide its intentions. Now rape is so … dishonest.

And then there were the truly abhorrent words from Roger Rivard, a Wisconsin State Assembly member who lost his re-election bid in 2012, possibly due to his retelling of the advice his father gave him about premarital sex and how girls might be down to bone at night, but in the morning, they realize they might get in trouble with daddy:

“He also told me one thing, ‘If you do (have premarital sex), just remember, consensual sex can turn into rape in an awful hurry. Because all of a sudden a young lady gets pregnant and the parents are madder than a wet hen and she’s not going to say, ‘Oh, yeah, I was part of the program.’ All that she has to say or the parents have to say is it was rape because she’s underage. And he just said, ‘Remember, Roger, if you go down that road, some girls,’ he said, ‘they rape so easy.’”

Wasn’t that a movie from the ’80s? With Geena Davis? Earth Girls Rape So Easy? Classic.

And who could forget Richard Mourdock, a former Republican Senate candidate from Indiana who said “When life begins with that horrible situation of rape, that is something God intended to happen,” thus proving that Mourdock’s version of God is kind of a dick.

Not even a full day later, Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) spoke out in support of Mourdock’s claim, saying, “Richard and I, along with millions of Americans… believe that life is a gift from God,” thus demonstrating that someone really needs to sit God down and have a little chat with him about appropriate gift-giving.

I recount all of this not to enrage you—although you should be enraged, because what the actual fuck are these people talking about—but to point out that it is now two years later, and Republicans still haven’t gotten their collective shit together when it comes to talking about rape.

To wit, via Molly Redden at Mother Jones (emphasis added):

A Missouri Republican is pushing a bill [HB 131] that would allow a man who gets a woman pregnant to stop her from having an abortion. The measure would force a woman who wants an abortion to obtain written permission from the father first—unless she was the victim of “legitimate rape.”

Rick Brattin, a state representative from outside Kansas City, filed the bill on December 3 for next year’s legislative session. The proposed measure reads, “No abortion shall be performed or induced unless and until the father of the unborn child provides written, notarized consent to the abortion.”

The bill contains exceptions for women who become pregnant as the result of rape or incest—but there are caveats.

“Just like any rape, you have to report it, and you have to prove it,” Brattin tells Mother Jones. “So you couldn’t just go and say, ‘Oh yeah, I was raped,’ and get an abortion. It has to be a legitimate rape.”

Ah yes—ye olde legitimate rape canard.

Look. There’s no such thing as legitimate rape. There’s rape. And then there’s not-rape. So really, Rep. Brattin? You need to stop talking, like, yesterday.

But he didn’t because of course he didn’t. He just kept on shoving his foot further into his mouth:

“I’m just saying if there was a legitimate rape, you’re going to make a police report, just as if you were robbed,” Brattin says. “That’s just common sense.” Under his bill, he adds, “you have to take steps to show that you were raped … And I’d think you’d be able to prove that.”

Oh really?

Because if you were to do even the smallest amount of research, you would know that the majority of rapes—according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, 60 percent in the United States—go unreported, “legitimate” or not, because society has a nasty way of slut-shaming and victim-blaming when it comes to women who tell law enforcement about their rapes.

But Brattin evidently doesn’t care about that. Caring about that would interfere with his anti-choice agenda, and his burning desire to regulate abortion out of existence, and the Missouri legislature’s burning desire to close the only abortion clinic left in the state. (While we’re unsticking your memory buttons, remember how the Missouri legislature introduced nearly 40 bills aimed at shuttering the state’s sole remaining abortion clinic? Because they did. I wrote about it here.)

This bill could force rape survivors who do not want to report the rape to law enforcement to get permission from their rapists before being “allowed” to get an abortion—since the bill would require a woman to get notarized consent from the fetus’ father, who, in some cases, is a rapist. Furthermore, it is based on factually inaccurate information about rape reporting, information that is readily available by even the briefest foray into Google.

But registering for a class at Google U would undermine the entire premise of this bill. Besides, why educate yourself when you can just spew ignorance and then legislate it?

And finally—because I wouldn’t want to leave you until your head fully explodes, ejecting all of your brains upon the wall behind you—here’s what Rep. Brattin had to say about women in abusive relationships (emphasis added):

When asked if he would support an exception for women whose partners are abusive, Brattin says, “I haven’t really thought about that aspect of it.” But he adds, “What does that have to do with the child’s life? Just because it was an abusive relationship, does that mean the child should die?” Brattin notes that women in these situations can obtain protective custody once the child is born.

Pshaw. Who cares about women in abusive relationships, amirite? What could that possibly have to do with the child’s life? Never mind that one in six abused women report that her partner first abused her during pregnancy. And never mind that murder is one of the leading causes of death among pregnant women. And never mind that studies suggest that domestic abuse may affect children in the womb. Nothing beats bringing a child into the world that will forever tie a woman to her abusive partner and likely subject the child to similar abuse.

The bottom line is this: Ladies? If you’re raped? Suck it up. If you’re being abused by your partner? Suck it up. This here is a fetus-first nation. And in a fetus-first nation, we put fetuses first.

All Hail the Fetus!