After nearly 40 years working in the abortion field, I can see that the situation is hopeless. I admit it.  Personhood begins at ejaculation!

This realization came to me as I considered the dozens of bills in legislatures all over the country designed to limit access to or even criminalize abortion. I thought about the bill adopted in Oklahoma that allowed a doctor to withhold information about an abnormal pregnancy without fear of lawsuit if he thought a woman might choose abortion.

I thought about the felony law in Nebraska preventing abortion after 20 weeks, regardless of the woman’s circumstances.  I thought about the mandatory ultrasounds proposed in 10 states—not to make sure that women had better healthcare, but to try to make them feel even worse than they already do.

I thought about the ‘heartbeat’ bills that would eliminate even early abortion. It’s hard to talk about a heartbeat without thinking the pregnancy is a baby, even when the ‘heartbeat’ may just be a tiny electrical impulse in an embryo an inch long. The conversations totally ignore a woman’s heart. This kind of bill supposes that pregnant women have no idea there is something alive inside them that will become a baby if they don’t do something about it.

Well, duh. That is why women have abortions! Because they know that in their circumstances they cannot responsibly bring a new life into the world through their body. It is all about caring for their lives, the lives of their family and even the life that could be born. Women are not the enemies of our children—even those we don’t have. I thought about the Representative in Georgia who called all abortions ‘prenatal murder’ and proposed that abortion be punished as a homicide. And I thought about the long waiting period passed in South Dakota, and the almost unbelievable requirement that women there be forced to be ‘counseled’ by anti-abortion fake clinics. And as I was totally overwhelmed by the woman-hating, woman-fearing energy that went into thinking up these diabolical laws, I just gave up.

Then it became obvious that, of course, women really are merely sin-filled vessels for new life which is innocent, sacred and worthy of protection at all costs. In fact, I became so aware of the sacredness of unborn life, that I recognized that we have almost forgotten the sacredness of the very seeds of life. Let’s face it, a darling cuddly little sperm is just one tiny cell away from being a person—and that cell is an egg, which comes from a woman, so it hardly counts. I always heard that there are about 300,000,000 (give or take) sperm in every ejaculation. Of course you may say they are only potential people, but all it takes is one cell and time and that vivacious, squirmy little sperm will be a bouncing baby—a boy if you are lucky. That’s a lot of people who should be paying taxes, and who will be our future soldiers.

So I am announcing the founding of the Sperm Protection and Information League (SPIL). Our motto is, Don’t Spill Your Seed.

I hate to remind you of the slaughter, but every day billions of sperm die an agonizing death of dehydration in socks, towels, and. well…places you cannot even imagine. Studies have shown that sperm feel pain while they are still in the testes. A little known scientific fact is that these sperm in pain are the source of the heartbreaking malady known as ‘Blue Balls.’ Besides this very real pain, for years the vicious Women’s Lib Birth Control Movement has sought to deprive sperm of the very thing they need to stay alive—an egg. It is surely the birthright of every sperm to have the opportunity to swim toward an egg. And damnit, that egg had better be there! God made that egg to be out there, and let the best sperm win! Now, please don’t think I am making any reference here to evolution, which I know is wrong, because Senators are not monkeys.

We must no longer tolerate any of this birth control pill, chemical genocide, that allows the egg to hide within the woman’s body. It is God’s law that an egg is supposed to submit to and care for a sperm, just as a woman is supposed to submit to and care for a man. In case you are wondering, yes, this is the real evil of homosexuality and masturbation. Among the perverted, countless sperm are being ejaculated where there is no egg to nurture them. We all know that those lesbians who are wasting their eggs every month instead of making them available to a needy sperm are just the Daughters of the Devil, as we all know.

You might wonder if SPIL is calling for any punishment for men whose seed spills. If they are homosexual they must be punished to the highest degree—after all spermal homicide is no laughing matter. But if they are good heterosexuals, it is never the fault of the man if there is no woman to accept and vivify his sperm. Since the time of Eve, women’s desire for freedom has ruined everything.

So, men, make sure to wear boxers so you don’t keep those little pre-conceived darlings too warm. And women—be ready to provide an egg whenever a sperm is in need. In the vast scheme of things we may sometimes feel alone—but remember, every ejaculation is full of little tiny people, and every sperm is your brother.