PETA Does Not Want You to Eat (Human) Babies

PETA's support of anti-abortion activist David Daleiden can only mean one thing: no more cannibalism. We reached out to Armie Hammer for comment.

[PHOTO: Crowd of people gather around David Daleiden speaking behind a microphone]
David Daleiden was ordered to pay millions of dollars in damages and attorneys’ fees for deceptively editing videos that smeared Planned Parenthood. Eric Kayne/Getty Images

It’s official: PETA wants us to stop consuming the tissue of pre-born babies—and they’re not just talking about bird, fish, and platypus eggs.

Six years after the 2015 release of an illegal recording of Planned Parenthood’s senior director of medical services Dr. Deborah Nucatola discussing the costs associated with donating legally released and obtained human tissue to researchers, we finally get the input we’ve been waiting for from the ultimate authority on human rights and privileges: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

It’s obvious why PETA has chosen to lend its collective voice to the aid of the anti-abortion rights activists David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt, who have been ordered to pay millions of dollars in damages and attorneys’ fees (in addition to the nine felony charges they face, ranging from criminal eavesdropping to falsification of documents). It’s obvious why PETA would file an amicus brief to support “citizen journalists” who deliberately paired their recording with a much older clip of a different Planned Parenthood official condemning the unrelated practice of profiting from fetal tissue in order to misconstrue Dr. Nucatola’s words. It’s obvious PETA believes the end justifies the means, and the end PETA wants is clear: no more cannibalism.

The $30 to $100 that Dr. Nucatola mentioned was definitely not used to cover procurement costs. Undeniably, the funds were spent on equipment to adequately prepare human tissue for a delicious slow roast at roughly 350 degrees for two to three hours. Be sure to baste the pre-born organs with plasma, or any on-hand blood, every 30 to 40 minutes. Rosemary potatoes have been recommended as an accompanying side dish, replacing the butter with olive oil because, y’know, animal rights. Garnish with any embryonic fluid left over from your last meal or friend’s afterbirth.

“I’d say a lot of people want liver,” Dr. Nucatola told the activists who are pretending to be employees of a biomedical company, complete with fake IDs, which kind of sounds illegal. “And for that reason, most providers will do this case under ultrasound guidance so they’ll know where they’re putting their forceps.”

In the deceptively edited video, Dr. Nucatola sips red wine, presumably a Chianti considering the topic of livers, as she relays this information. As we are all aware, doctors aren’t entitled to unwind like the rest of the population and definitely shouldn’t have a glass of wine with their meal after a long morning of caring for the community—the situation is immediately suspect. Then, Dr. Nucatola does not suggest pairing the pre-born livers with fava beans or that a Chianti would be the drink of choice for such a dish—also suspect. But PETA can only assume Dr. Nucatola failed to mention Chianti because she is a connoisseur and knows Amarone is actually the correct wine pairing for liver.

Later, Dr. Nucatola clarified, “This is not something with any revenue stream that affiliates are looking at. This is a way to offer patients the services they want and do good for the medical community.”

Clearly covering her bases for the illegal recording she has no idea is occurring, Dr. Nucatola throws this information to the people attempting to illegally purchase human tissue from her. Similar to the infamous prototype of a cannibal doctor, Hannibal Lecter, Dr. Nucatola is aware someone could always be listening, lurking around the corner in every California restaurant around lunchtime, waiting for the cannibal cabal to show its ugly, ugly face.

Or, perhaps PETA doesn’t understand words anymore after working with animal clientele for so long? Maybe they rely on tone alone and are conflating her relaxed, easy demeanor with something sinister and insatiable? Who’s to say?

But, either way, PETA does have a point: We’ve come a long way since Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” It is no longer acceptable to consider eating the young—let alone to actively do it—even if we could use a bit of “population control.”

(An important note: “Population control” is a classist, racist term used to distract from the inequitable distribution of resources among the world population. Plus, these concerns further bolster the reasons for safe, legal abortion considering the necessary support and resources won’t be provided to post-borns. PETA is oddly silent about its stance on the consumption of post-borns.)

Similar to the immortal words of Bruce, a great white shark from the seminal 2003 post-born film Finding Nemo, “Human tissue is friends, not food.” If Bruce can curb his natural inclination to eat fish and start the Fish-Friendly Sharks support group in a fictional Pixar movie, then surely we can all curb our cravings for human flesh and explore other food options—like chickpeas, which contain neither chicks nor peas. PETA would be proud.

We reached out to Armie Hammer for comment, to no avail.