On behalf of my country and my gender, I would just like to say that I’m so sorry the media has cruelly misconstrued your obviously well-intentioned musings on rape and rape-related pregnancies. SO frustrating, guys! For some reason women get all sensitive and dramatic when it comes to what the government will force us to do or not to do after being sexually assaulted. 

I know, sometimes the political environment just seems so darn friendly to social extremism that you let you guard down for ONE moment and try to have an intelligent conversation with mature adults about how rape and resulting pregnancies are God’s will, and in fact, “gifts” from God and suddenly everyone is all like “That’s creepy and incredible offensive” and “what about my constitutional rights?? garble garble.”

Well don’t let the haters bring you down, upstanding members of the right wing. Keep on airing out your extremely progressive beliefs about women (and rape in particular). It doesn’t matter that you actually believe, as “small government” conservatives, in denying women access to emergency contraception after an assault (or you know, at any other time) or that the government should force a woman to continue a pregnancy resulting from assault against her will.

These things are just a distraction from all the many ways in which you love and support women! Just see Ann Romney saying so at the Republican National Convention! In fact, you love us SO much you just want to protect us from acting as independent moral agents in a free society. I mean really, who needs that? It’s a huge burden to grapple with complex moral issues as individuals, and we have absolutely no precedent of supporting THAT nonsense in our country. Glad you have my back (and my free will). 

But seriously, we need to stop making women single-issue voters. We all know that what women care about a lot more is the economy, and having a job or being able to support a family has nothing whatsoever to do with being able to control when and if you have children. That’s why de-funding Planned Parenthood is such a genius idea in your “pro-economic growth” agenda; even though family planning allows women to pursue education and their careers and saves $4 of taxpayer money for every dollar spent.

At the end of the day, I’m just so terribly sorry you’ve been having heaps of trouble communicating your wholesome ideas and values to the American people, especially us lady folk. I follow these things pretty closely (you know, because my fundamental rights as a citizen and my ability to make very personal decisions about my life depend on it and stuff) and the beliefs you’ve been vocalizing of late are stunningly different from the values about women reflected in your policy stances and voting records. The legislation you’d like to enact so clearly demonstrates your respect for women’s equality and autonomy in a complex, diverse society. So, please do accept my sincere apology for this misunderstanding of the GOP’s beliefs and intentions.