A PLAY as in “playing” in Indiana

Act I

Joani Daniels: Hey good morning, want some breakfast?

Mitch Daniels: Maybe a piece of toast.

JD: You look a little under the weather. Here’s some nice hot coffee.

MD: Coffee, ug, can’t stand the thought. Something’s going on. Been feeling kind of woozy lately, especially in the mornings.

JD: Well, go to the doctor, have a physical. After all you’re the governor. We’ve got great health insurance. You’ve got too much to do to get sick.

Act II

DOC: OK, hmm, I’m not quite sure. We’ll do some blood work. See what’s happening. And we’ll take a urine sample. Here. The bathroom’s around the corner.

Act III

Four days later.

DOC: Governor, I don’t know quite how to say this. It’s one of those incredible medical anomalies. Nothing alarming though. I have to tell you, you are pregnant and are going to have a baby!

MD: ME PREGNANT!!!! How in the hell? No way. This will make me the laughing stock of Indiana. There is no way I’m going to do this. I am absolutely not going to have this baby. What, and let the whole world know! And what will Joani say? Nine months! And get all fat? And breastfeed? Oh my God! Never!

DOC:   Well, you know it is your choice. Might be a cute little bugger though. I’m just sayin’.

Act IV

PLANNED PARENTHOOD:  Good morning Governor Daniels. What can we do for you this morning after all you’ve done for us?

MD: Well, you can give me a goll danged abortion. And hurry up about it. It’s a hell of a thing to have to come here, but I do hear your services are confidential.

PP: Well, of course they are. We do though have a state mandated 48 hour waiting period in case you might wish to reconsider.

MD: Reconsider? You must be kidding.  I’m the governor. I don’t have time for this nonsense.

PP: So obviously, we couldn’t proceed until Wednesday. And then Wednesday when you come back, just before the procedure, we will give you a state mandated sonogram. It’s your choice though whether you want to see the results. We can blindfold you if you like. The abortion costs $350 for the poorest of the poor and for the governor of the great state of Indiana. We do not discriminate.

MD:  And afterwards, how about, this is embarrassing, some family planning? This must never happen again!

PP: That’s what we do.

Act V

MD: Today I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Freedom and hypoc, err, I mean democracy and respect for human life both here and abroad are the cornerstones of our great country.