How better to understand the feelings of men involved with an abortion decision than to listen to their words? Many abortion providers invite men into the counseling session if the woman wishes it or offer private sessions for the men alone. For many years, men at Allegheny Reproductive Health Center in Pittsburgh have been invited to write their thoughts, their wishes, their hopes, in a waiting room journal. In addition, many guys have written messages on paper hearts which they then post on the walls of our clinic. So we are very familiar with men's voices and honor them. We encourage all abortion clinics to create opportunities and invite men to leave their words behind to help others.

What happens when men are encouraged to speak their minds about abortion? On the most basic level, when men can give voice to their
feelings they will be more comfortable about a sometimes hard and
complex experience. Many abortion providers realize that men's voices are valuable — contrary to the suggestions made in the recent rash of claims that "men are victims of abortion too." They can be better support for their partners, wives, daughters, friends. And, because men are generally more pro-choice than women in poll after poll, they can be stronger, more active advocates for choice. Men who are included in the abortion decision tend to have a better relationship with their partner, tend to take more responsibility for contraception and tend to pay more attention to her needs afterwards.

What is stifling and destructive for all people is the enforced silence and stigma surrounding the abortion experience. When all the participants have more ways and places to articulate their feelings and tell their experience, the possibilities for conversation open up. And, of course, the more a couple talks to one another, the healthier their relationship will be. Stigma both within the relationship and in society in general is thereby reduced. Further reduction of stigma occurs when accurate information is readily available. The website MenAndAbortion.com answers frequently asked questions in three categories: factual, emotional and spiritual. The purpose of the website is not only to help men who might be struggling personally and want to read what other men might think, but also to encourage guys to reach out to their male friends. There, too, bringing their experiences into daylight will help to eliminate stigma. Another source of information is AbortionConversation.com, which is dedicated to reducing abortion-related stigma.

Below are just a few of the many collected men's stories. The authenticity of their voices is unmistakable. They may be sad, resolved or just encouraging. But you can share with them their true feelings.

I am here with my girlfriend of five years. We have a 2 ½ year old boy at home. I just can't help wondering if this child would have been as perfect as our son. I don't think I am really for this, but my girlfriend says that we just can't do it right now. This rips me apart thinking of it. But what am I to do? I told her I would be behind her whatever she chose to do. To me this isn't a matter of God, morals or politics. To me this is about what I really want, and that is family!! That's what really matters. Some may walk out of here and never think twice about it. Some may walk out of here changed forever. To all good luck. Best wishes.

To the Guys.

Sitting here in this office reading the papers and going insane worrying about my girlfriend. We have only been together for six months but I feel as if I've known her my whole life. We do everything together. Yeah, we had sex and got knocked up. Before I came here I was a complete wreck! I couldn't sleep or eat or even try to have fun. I felt like the biggest piece of shit. We both thought we were ready but then we both had second thoughts. All guys do! So we thought about every option possible and this was the only way to go. I am more calm now knowing it is for the best. Just now wasn't the time to have a child. I wanna start my life before I even think about life with a baby. I only really got one more thing for all who read this. Don't go too hard on yourself, it's all for the best.

I'm here today because my fiancee's cervix did not close all the way. The doctor told us she would lose the baby in three weeks. She's spotting and the baby did not attach to the uterus right. I'm sad. I wanted to have this baby. I own a multi-million dollar business and I'm ready to have another child. I have a 17 year old daughter with my fiancée. I am pro-choice.

To my unborn child, I will see you someday in heaven. I will never forget this day. T___ and I will try to have another baby. Life is hard, unfair, unpredictable. My baby will never have a chance and I wish that I could change that but it's in God's hands. Some things in life just make us stronger.

I'm 30 years old with a 22 year old girlfriend. We both have kids from other people and we both know how hard it is to raise kids. My life without my kids would be, let's just say it might not be. About two months ago I found out my dad is not really my dad. That just floored me and still does. A week later my girlfriend tells me she's pregnant. We both have talked about this and are trying to do what's best for both of us. It's hard to deal with. She's in school and I work full time. But I'm still trying to figure out who I am and where I came from and it's hard enough with the kids we have, not letting them know about my dad issue and now this. Deep down I don't know if this is right or wrong but for the both of us right now it's the right thing right now. There's no reason to bring someone into this world if you can't give it your all. I'm very fucked up in the head and I don't want my kids to go through what I have. Raising kids right is what makes you a man or a little boy. It takes a man to raise a child but any boy can have a child. So don't bring a child into this world if you can't give it your all because they deserve it.

For the Men

Hey! This situation sucks but you need to remember this is her body, her decision. Be supportive, hold her hand, hug her. She is going to feel the pain, the emotional connection and the shame because of the idiot protesters outside. So regardless if she's your wife/girlfriend/sister/friend/one night stand, let her know you support her and you are here to care for her. Real men respect women so treat her right. She's scared, she's hurt. She needs a shoulder to cry on. Be gentle.

To the Men

PLEASE READ!

I'm a 21 year old male. I have a decent job, but a lot of bills. I currently take care of my father also. I'm in college at the present. All of sudden POW, she gets PREGNANT!! It was like I saw my life flash in front of my eyes! I don't have any career started yet, I'm not even finished with my schooling and she hasn't graduated yet so things seem even more complicated. So we decided to come here. It was by far the single hardest decision I ever had to make in my life. We thought about adoption, but I could never live with myself knowing someone else is raising my child. For the past two weeks, I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or go out anywhere. When I'm at work the only thing going through my mind is my baby, and my baby carrying my baby. She is the only one for me and I know it. So the only thing I figured is that if she is the one only one for me we will have plenty of opportunities down the road. The only thing that bothers me is that I have to live with this decision I made. So if you are here with your girlfriend, remember guys this didn't happen to you. Make sure you pay more attention to her so she doesn't think about it too much. It's the ladies who are going to do the most suffering!

First of all, I am the reason K____ is here. It is hard to believe this is the second time I fathered a child outside of marriage. The first time I did what I thought was right. I married the girl. Our marriage lasted about ten years but it wasn't built on a solid foundation of love. Rather one of guilt and expectation. Now our ten year old daughter is the one who will suffer.

This time I am here because I am not ready to be married. For those of you out there, both times I used protection. Condoms with the first pregnancy. K____ was on the pill with this one. I worry more for K______. I know this is the right choice for her, for me, but most of all for our unborn child. I don't want her to feel the same pain as my daughter does now. Someday will be the right time to be married and have a family.

(written on a purposely torn paper heart taped on the wall) This is a manly heart and piece is now missing, but it will begin to get stronger soon. I am writing this message to help girls and guys get through this tough time. Women may not realize it sometimes, but half of their pain is shared with some men, and that includes me. Me and my girlfriend weren't sure at first if this was the right thing, but now it's clearer that it's ok because the decision was made by both of us and we're going to get through this together. Some say an abortion is wrong because it's the taking of a life, but why make a new life when you cannot give it the best? So just breathe and relax and take it one day at a time, together.